Castle's Secret
by soprano193
Summary: After a tough case involving kids Castle reveals to Kate he'd been molested when he was a kid.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Okay, now that I'm done crying, I can post this. I wanted to wait and post it for Monday, but the story wouldn't shut up, and it's sexual assault awareness month, and I am a survivor who desperately wants to make people aware. So, I edited this a bit just because even I can't deal with the death of a child, but I think that the important stuff is there, and I really hope that whoever prompted this likes it, or helps them figure out their feelings if that's what they need. Trigger warnings apply, but It's not really graphic, just mentioned.**

* * *

This case hit him hard. If Kate had noticed, she didn't say anything, but the whole time he was working it with them he felt like he was in a fog.

It hadn't started out that way. No, at first it had been a simple stabbing, her body discovered in the subway. Then they had an ID. Jenna Chapman, a 21 year old college student just shy of her 22nd birthday and graduation. Interviews with her family members told them she was smart, somewhat childish, and that she genuinely cared about the happiness of others. But it was what they found on her social media accounts that stuck with him, and made his heart fall.

She appeared on camera, thick black glasses obscuring her eyes, her dirty blonde bangs sweeping across her forehead. The camera angle was strange, but she didn't seem worried about that. She was on a mission. "Hi everyone! My name is Jenna, and I want to change the world. Before I tell you more about that, there are a few things you should know about me." He learned a lot about her from those few minutes of rambling. She liked to watch crime shows, a lot of crime shows. He didn't watch them anymore, not while he got to live it every day. She liked fantasy books, books with dragons. He also liked books with dragons. She was ambitious, wanted to be a doctor, and was crafty. He laughed when she called herself a dork, finding so much of himself in her words, "I embrace my dorkiness." He cringed at her music taste, having no use for country music. After hearing all of this, he felt like he knew her. He felt like having a conversation with her wouldn't be awkward at all, not while they had dragon books to talk about.

It was her next statement that stopped his heart and sent a chill down his spine. "I was molested." She went on to talk about how she planned to end the shame that managed to seep into the soul of survivors, and how she hoped people would share the video, starting conversations in their community. She urged other survivors to come forward, telling their stories so that newer survivors, ones who still held on to that guilt, would realize that they weren't alone. "You are more than a statistic on a data sheet listed on a .gov website." She told the camera, her courage making him wish that he could make a difference in the world too. And it touched his heart, knowing that people out there wanted to make a change.

The video had made its way around the precinct, starting conversations between many officers, and of course Ryan and Esposito. When they approached Beckett, she bit the inside of her cheek before she answered. "I think that she was a brave girl who had a chance to change the world. That only makes me want to solve her murder even more."

Castle just nodded in agreement. For once it appeared that he was taking the job seriously. He wasn't cracking jokes, hiding behind his wall of humor. Instead, he was doing paperwork (much to Beckett's surprise), looking at the financials and combing through the victim's social media accounts, looking for any threats or problems with people.

"Dude, are you okay?" Ryan asked him when he hadn't joined in to heckle Esposito.

Castle shrugged. "I will be. This one just hit close to home."

He saw a flash of recognition in the younger detective's eyes. Ryan bobbed his head up and down. "Alexis is around Jenna's age, right?"

"Yeah." Castle's voice was flat as he answered. "They seem pretty similar. They might have been friends." It wasn't why this case had hit close to home, but he wasn't about to tell the detective why. He hadn't told anyone. He didn't know how to tell anyone.

Ryan's lips pursed as he took in the writer's answer. "We'll get the guy. We always do."

Castle nodded, his eyes not looking up from the screen as he clicked yet another blog post, reading through the comments, looking for threats. "I know."

All day without a break in the case does not make for a happy bunch of detectives. And Castle had been the most disappointed to leave at the end of the day, dragging his feet behind his wife as they left for the elevator. On the way home, he didn't protest about her driving. He never once reached for the radio. His music ADD couldn't bother him if he wasn't listening anyway. He just kept hearing her voice in his head, telling him, "We ordinary people can do extraordinary things in this world."

If Kate noticed his odd behavior, she didn't press him about it. She sang along with the radio for once, relishing the fact that she could listen to an entire song without him changing it. Back at home, they kicked off their shoes and ordered food, each relaxing with a book on the couch. Her feet rested in his lap, something he didn't mind, as she fell into the world of Nikki and Rook again. Rick had selected a fantasy book, hoping to be transported as far away from his current state of mind as possible. The problem was, he couldn't concentrate. He would read the same sentence three times and it still wouldn't sink in. When it took him ten minutes to read a page, he gave up, tossing the book onto the coffee table, and moving Kate's feet so he could go get his laptop.

He sat back down on the couch with it, and typed away, the noise from the keys amplified in the silent room. "Are you working on a fight scene?" Her voice made him jump, even though he knew she was there.

He tilted his head to the side, meeting her hazel eyes that were glinting with amusement. "Why would you ask that?"

She grinned. "You only type that furiously when you are working on a fight scene. Or if you're angry."

He was angry. He was upset at the injustice that their victim had endured. Twice. That she had survived a terrible situation just to be murdered, and that her family, which had bounced back from the initial trauma, now had to deal with her death. But he didn't say that. He didn't want to talk about that yet. So he changed the subject. "You can tell what I'm writing based on how I type?"

She laughed. "Sometimes." She bent down the corner of the page she was on and placed the book down in her lap. "When you write dialogue, you type carefully, like you don't want to lose your flow. Like you might lose the character's voice in your head if you stop." She grinned. "Toward the end, when you are resolving the case, it's like your fingers are so happy to be done, that they bounce on the keys." She chuckled out loud, her face turning a light red. "When you write love scenes, you stop a lot, like you are trying to get it just right. I can almost hear you asking yourself, 'is it okay to say that?' But when you do type, it's fast, like you can't wait to get the words on the screen, like the characters are moving too fast for you to keep up."

He pictured this as she talked, imagined what his fingers must sound like too her. "I didn't realize I was that predictable." He chuckled as he looked at her, her lip caught between her teeth and her hazel eyes dancing with mirth. "How long have you been watching me?"

"Less time than you've been watching me." She quipped as she tried to conceal the smirk on her face.

"Fair point." He grinned at her and went back to typing, his mind at least a little clearer than it had been. When the food arrived, he got up to pay, and they ate at the table, talking about anything other than the case. Neither of them wanted to touch it, the uncomfortable subject matter of her video swirling around in both of their heads. But they remained silent about it, wanting to stay in their happy worlds for a bit longer.

It wasn't until they were getting ready for bed that they even broached the subject. It was his fault. He couldn't get the image of this girl out of his head, and he watched her video again hoping to shake her out of his system.

"This case really got to you." She noted, resting her head on his shoulder and watching with him.

"It just stinks, you know?" He answered, resting his hand on her knee. "She lived through some serious trauma, and came out the other end, ready to take life by the reigns and make a difference. And now she's dead, and her whole family has to suffer again, get justice for her again. And that sucks."

"Not again." She whispered, nuzzling closer to him. "I talked to her Mom. Jenna's abuser died before they got justice."

"Seriously?" His stomach fell as he thought of that family. He didn't even want to think about what her family was going through. "Kate, we need to catch this guy." They couldn't be left without justice again, it just wasn't fair.

"I know." Her fingers laced with his on her knee, and she squeezed, letting him know that she understood. They watched her some more, and he switched clicked on another link. It was her. She was further away, but it was Jenna, speaking in front of her congregation. She spoke faster in front of a crowd, but the message was the same, she wanted to change things. "I can't imagine going through what she has." Kate spoke again, softly.

He had never really known butterflies until then. He was sure that his heart was beating so fast that she could hear it, and his mind was racing with a thousand thoughts, all screaming at him at once. _Should I tell her? Why wouldn't I, we're married. She'll appreciate me for telling her. Or maybe she'll be mad that I kept a secret. Maybe it's better if I don't tell anyone. Staying quiet hasn't caused an issue for me yet. What if she pities me? I don't want her to pity me. I don't want her to look at me as less of a man. Would she look at me as less of a man? Will she be freaked out when she learns that _he_ was a man? Will she tell anyone else? Of course she wouldn't, that would be terrible. Once I do this, everything changes. Is it all worth it?_ But the words came falling out of his mouth before he was able to process his thoughts, his vocal cords and mouth moving without his control. "I get it."

He felt her tense beside him and slowly pull away. He guessed she was looking at him. He didn't want to look at her, he didn't want to see the way those words affected her. So he continued to stare at the screen, no longer listening to Jenna's sermon, just watching the subtle movements of the camera as they sat on their bed in silence. "Are you telling me that…" She trailed off, unsure of what exactly to say.

He didn't answer, and she didn't press him to. They sat together until his screensaver popped up on his laptop, a photo collage of them through the years. He decided to answer then, with a simple nod of his head. She reached out to grab his hand, clasping it tightly between both of hers. "Babe, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." She whispered, her voice cracking. He felt her hand on his cheek, her thumb running in smooth circles over his stubble. It was then that he looked at her. Tears were brimming in her hazel eyes, but she didn't look at him with pity. Instead, she looked hurt.

"I should have told you sooner." The idea that he had hurt her by keeping this secret made his heart stop. He never wanted to hurt her.

She shook her head, dropping her hand from his face. "No. You didn't have to tell me at all." She paused, thinking about her next words before she said them out loud. "And I am so honored that you trust me with this."

He believed her words, but her face didn't reflect them. "Why do you look so upset?"

She sighed, sniffling and wiping her eyes. "I'm not upset with you. I'm upset for you. I'm angry that you had to experience that, sad about the pain it must have caused, and proud of the person you are today despite that." She flashed him a very small but tender smile, one meant to reassure him. "And I am always here if you want to talk."

He squeezed her hand, and tugged her back into him, so her head rested against his chest. He pressed his lips to top of her head, and they stayed like that for a few moments, fully appreciating the enormity of the situation. "I was nine."

"You don't have to tell me."

He tugged her tighter as she spoke, thankful that she was there for him, helping him get rid of this burden. "I know." He paused for a minute, nervous, because what if she didn't want to know? What if what he had already said was enough? "Unless you don't want me to tell you."

She sat up again, meeting his eyes. "Babe, you tell me whatever you want to tell me, and keep to yourself what you don't want me to know. This is kind of uncharted territory for me but I'm here for you, right by your side."

He clasped her hands between his, and looked away before continuing. Looking her in the eyes was intimidating, and he didn't want to stop. He wanted this open line of communication with her. "I was nine, and it was one of the producers for my Mom's show. I used to play backstage with the props, invent worlds for myself, and sometimes he would join in." His breaths felt shallow as he talked, and his heart was racing. "I trusted him. One day he took me into his office, and he just started…" He couldn't say it, and despite his best efforts, a tear rolled down his cheek. "When I said 'no,' he threatened to fire my Mom. And that he would spread the word, so that she would never be hired. I was young, but I knew what that would mean for us. We'd have nothing. So I let him do what he wanted."

Kate shook her head. "You didn't let him do anything."

He wanted to believe those words. More than anything, he wanted to understand how she could say that with such certainty. "Sure I did. I didn't get help, or make him stop, or even tell my mother."

"Look at me." She demanded. He couldn't ignore her when she used that tone of voice. So he did, finding her eyes filled with tears again. "You were a nine-year-old kid. He was an adult. He was an adult who knew that he was in the wrong, and he manipulated you." Her hand touched his face again. "He was a predator. And you never _let_ him do anything. And don't you forget it."

He smiled at his wife then, a genuine smile. She said this was uncharted territory, but she was doing just fine. "I'll try, I promise. Just remind me of that every now and then."

"Always." She tucked herself back into his chest, relaxing and letting him figure out what he wanted to say next.

"I think that's why I got kicked out of so many schools. I hid my pain and anger behind this class clown persona. But any time my Mother threatened to pull me out of school and homeschool me on the road, I calmed down, at least for a bit." He remembered Martha telling him that it was all over once, that she had gone through all the schools she could find. He spent hours the next day in the library and making phone calls, searching for other options. Anything other than the road. "It got better when I started writing. When I could really put my pen to paper and process my feelings. The anger slowly disappeared and was met with acceptance. It happened, but it didn't have to define me."

"I'm proud of you, for doing all that work on your own."

"It wasn't easy. And there are still issues sometimes. I get anxious before I go to any of Mother's shows. I refused to ever visit Meredith backstage. And I was relieved when she didn't fight me for custody, because I sure as hell wasn't letting my daughter backstage either." He would never forgive himself if Alexis ever experienced this, and was determined to do anything in his power not to let it happen.

"I'm guessing you never saw him again."

He shook his head. "No, but I looked him up. No one's come forward with allegations." He closed his eyes, the fatigue setting in. "I can't be the only kid, Kate."

"Probably not." She agreed. It was something that he hated, that there could be more people out there in the world like him, afraid to turn in that producer for any number of reasons.

He looked back at his laptop, the screen blank. "I wish I could do something. Something that could help other people like me. Other survivors."

She swiped at the mousepad, bringing the laptop to life. "Share the video."

He shook his head. "I can't do that, I don't want to tell anyone else."

"What?" She pulled away to look at him. "That's not what I was suggesting." She pushed a curl out of her eyes and behind her ear. "You have thousands of twitter followers. Share the video, just wait until we solve the case." He had to chuckle at her by-the-book approach. "Start a conversation. You don't have to say anything personal if you don't want to."

He thought it over. She was right. He could just share the video for the message, that it was okay, and that they weren't alone. He could help grow her movement even after her death, and maybe get some people the justice they deserved. "Okay." He agreed.

She wrapped her arms around him now, drawing him closer to her, tightening her arms, protecting him. "And if you are ever ready someday to go public with this, I'll be right here, supporting you the whole way. Whatever you need, I'll be there."

"Thanks." He pressed his lips to hers then, catching her off guard. But she didn't disappoint or pull away like he had feared. It was more tentative than usual, as if she was still unsure of the timing, but it was soft and comforting in just the way he needed. He pulled away from her, and closed the laptop, placing it on the nightstand on his side of the bed. They crawled under the covers then, her head still resting on his chest as they closed their eyes.

"Thank you for trusting me with this." She whispered in the dark.

"Thank you for listening."

"Always."

* * *

**_A/N 2: So you may or may not have realized this, but the victim is based on me. My name is Jenna (no, my last name is NOT Chapman), and I am a survivor of sexual abuse. And the __video I talk about is real ( _****www DOT youtube DOT com SLASH watch?v=5fz8t8mrDe4** )**.****_ Any quote from fake Jenna is something that I have actually said in a video, or posted in my survivor love letter. And I do want to change the world. I don't know why someone would want to kill me (maybe these author's notes...) but I used myself to dive into Castle's story. I have a__ Facebook page (www DOT facebook DOT com SLASH ordinaryisextraordinary ) (If you click the 'about' button you will see videos both from me and my Mom...) where I urge survivors to come forward and share their stories so that other survivors know that they are not alone. I hated that feeling, like no one else understood me. I also have an__ official blog ( www DOT ordinary-is-extraordinary DOT com you really need the www with this one or the page won't load) where I post stories and articles and inspirational quotes._**

**_It would mean so much to me if you all could share this information, like the page or something, just to help get the word out. Because in my mind, this can save lives. If I had seen stuff like this, I might have tried to get out of my situation sooner. I'm sorry that I have been harassing you all with these author's notes, it just means a lot to me, and I can't stop speaking up against it. I really hope you all enjoy the story as much as I do, even if it is really freaking sad. _**


	2. Chapter 2

_So I've decided to add to this story. It's not exactly a cohesive story, but rather, a series of related one shots. This one I wrote a year ago, but posted somewhere else. I want them all together. The next one, I wrote today. Enjoy!_

* * *

She had never felt so helpless before, especially when it came to her husband. But ever since he'd told her the biggest secret that he's ever kept, he withdraws himself from each comforting gesture she offers. She reaches out to touch his shoulder, make sure he knows she's there, and he flinches away as if her touch burns his skin, and she hates it. Even just holding his hand while they drove became strange, him pulling away after a few moments, the air around them heavy with doubt and sadness.

The worst part was, she didn't think he noticed. The way his face fell when her hand fell from his shoulder, when their hands slipped apart, well it broke her heart into millions of tiny pieces. She wanted nothing more than to have her husband back.

It happened four days after he told her, in the morning, when she rolled over and lightly kissed him. She wasn't trying to prove anything, she wasn't testing him, she was just doing what had come to feel natural. He pulled away, sucking his lips into his mouth and biting down on them so that she couldn't kiss him again. She tried so hard not to react, not to push him before he was ready, but he must have seen the look in her eyes, the hurt and confusion. "What's happening?"

She breathed out a sigh of relief. At least he'd noticed the differences. "I don't know, babe. I feel so helpless."

His eyes narrowed as they met hers, the anger coming through striking a chord in her heart. "Helpless is really the word you're going with?"

It was her turn to pull away from him, his words stinging and his glare disheartening. "Yes. Helpless, inefficient, powerless. Any and all of the above." He looked away from her then, his eyes closed as he controlled his breathing. Her head was racing. Where was this coming from? What had she done wrong?

She let him sit there, let him gather his thoughts and feelings, the whole time refusing to leave the bed. "You don't look at me the same." He choked out, still not meeting her gaze. "Every time you touch me it seems stiff, like you're doing it out of obligation." He moved his head and opened his eyes, finding her steady gaze. "I can't live like that, Kate. I can't have you pity me forever."

"Baby, no." She reached for his hand, this time squeezing tight when he tried to pull away. "It's not like that at all." She wanted to caress his face, to hold him close and not let go, but now he was squeezing onto her hand too, like a lifeline between them. "I told you that this was uncharted territory, and I'm just trying to be here for you however you think you need me. I don't pity you. Castle, I feel the same way about you today that I did yesterday, and four days ago, and four weeks ago." She shook her head, taking a moment to reframe her thoughts and offer her husband another reassuring squeeze. "That's not true, I do look at you differently." His face crumpled, and she released his hand to move it to his cheek, trying to keep his eyes on her. "I admire you more, so much more than I ever realized was possible." She saw a tear fall from his eyes, and used her free hand to wipe away one of her own. "I see your bravery more, even though I know it was always there, deep inside you as you coped. And I see your pain, because you're reliving it, and it kills me to watch. But I don't pity you. I have never and will never pity you."

"So why does it feel so strange? If what you are saying is true, why is your body so stiff every time you touch me?"

"Because you pull away! You flinch like I'm hurting you, and I hate it, so each time I reach out to you I'm afraid that it's doing more harm than good." She was openly crying now, and so was he, as they discovered together how much this could destroy lives. "And I'm afraid you'll think I'm pushing you towards something you're not ready for, and I just don't know how to help you. And I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry, Kate" And with that he grabbed her, holding her closer than he had in days, letting her cry into his chest. "I think that I'm a bit to blame for this too."

"No you're not. Don't say stuff like that" She spoke, the sound muffled by his chest.

"Not for that, but our stuff. This problem we're having right now." His fingers found her hair, his hands running through it as he talked. "My biggest fear about telling you was that you would think I was disgusting. I was afraid you'd only see the scared little boy who didn't stop it."

She pushed herself up, looking at his face, a sense of urgency in her voice. "We've been over this. You were a little boy, it wasn't your fault. He took advantage."

"I know." He whispered, tugging her back down. She settled back into his chest, their fingers interlocking as he spoke. "It doesn't mean that I still don't think it. And every time you reach out to me, my mind goes there. I am afraid that you think I'm wrong somehow, and that you are only touching me because you have to. So I flinch away." He brought their hands up to rest near her head. "See. Not your fault. I'm sorry I snapped at you."

Kate sniffled, turning her head so she could look him in the eye. "What can I do that's going to help you?"

"I don't know. This is uncharted territory for me too." He played with their hands, unlocking their fingers to play with hers. "Maybe call me out on it, when I pull away. It will remind me that you're trying to comfort me, and maybe I can reframe my thoughts?"

"You don't sound too sure about that." Her voice was quiet, her insecurity clear as she looked away.

"I'm not." He held her closer, and she could hear his frustration in his voice. "But if it doesn't work, I'll be honest and let you know. And then we can brainstorm other ideas."

She nodded, her head moving on his chest. "I can do that."

"Thank you, Kate." They spent some time like this, her resting on him, his fingers in her hair. The sound of his heart beating soothed her, and she snuggled deeper into him, her eyelids fluttering closed. He pulled her hand up, pressing his lips to her knuckles. "I've missed this."

"Me too." She tilted her head back up to look him in the eye, her heart hopeful as she watched him. "Can I kiss you?"

He seemed taken aback by the question, his eyebrows furrowing together as he met her gaze. "Yeah. You can kiss me. You don't have to ask."

She grinned, squeezing his hand and pushing herself up to meet him, their lips meeting in a soft kiss. His hand found the back of her hair, hers the curve of his cheek. She didn't press for anything more, and neither did he, but each minuscule movement between them held a promise to communicate better and to try to understand the other's point of view. She tried to convey her love for him by keeping him close, her body melting into his, fitting into his every curve. When they pulled away, she rested, her forehead against his, looking straight into his blue eyes. Her hand came up to caress his cheek. "I think that's a much better start to our day, don't you?"

He grinned then, the smile warming her from the inside out, reassuring her that it would all be okay. "Yeah. Definitely way better." He wiggled his eyebrows, making her giggle in his arms. "I could get used to that!" He pulled her closer, his chin resting on her head, so she could listen to his heartbeat again against the steady rise of his chest. "Thank you, for being there for me, and helping me heal."

She didn't have to say it. The tightening of her hand around his, and the soft press of her lips against his jaw made her 'always' known loud and clear.


	3. Chapter 3

Thrumming with an excitement she'd only felt a few times in her life, Kate's fingers flew across the keyboard. _I can't hold it in, I haven't even told my husband, and I can't release it publicly yet. But I just found out that I'm pregnant! If anyone has any ideas for a reveal to a SO, please let me know!_ The Facebook group was as close to family as she got with people she didn't know, and she trusted them to keep this quiet.

Spouses United Against Abuse was filled with people all over the country that were significant others of sexual abuse survivors. It was something Dr. Burke had told her about, a tool she never thought she'd utilize. But after a half an hour reading the posts and listening to stories, she realized how valid her own feelings were about Castle's assault. And by understanding that, it helped her to be more present in her husband's healing process.

The responses started pouring in, each congratulatory post making her blush, and each story about being told, or telling their partners bringing a smile to her face. As she waited for the perfect idea to pop up, she scrolled down, reading the post below hers. _How young is too young to start talking about consent?_ Intrigued, she expanded the comments.

There, she found numerous comments, articles, and pieces of advice that seemed to vary from common sense to overkill. But true to the group, everyone was staying respectful of each tidbit of information. The first comment was a link, titled _We Don't Keep Secrets, We Keep Surprises_. And with one click, Kate forgot all about her reveal and jumped into the world of children and consent.

She was about seven articles in when her husband sank down on the bed beside her, pressing a kiss into her temple. "Please tell me your day was more eventful than mine?"

Briefly, her mind gave her a mental picture, of them sitting like this in the future, with a baby laying in her lap instead of a computer. The smile started spreading across her face before she could stop it, so she turned her head to kiss him, hoping he wouldn't notice. "Well, there were no body drops, and Espo finally handed in all his paperwork, so I'd say it went well."

"I'm glad." She clicked back to her group, scrolling down to the next article, careful not to reveal her post above it. His arm tightened around her waist. "SUAA." He lowered his chin to her shoulder. "Is everything okay?"

"Yeah." She leaned her head against his, her free hand reaching for his knee. "It started out just giving support to a new member, and this thread caught my attention."

"Okay. Tell everyone I say, 'hi.'" His hands gripped her shoulders, his lips grazing her temple once more. "And remember, I'm here if you need to talk."

She didn't answer, returning again to her articles while he pushed himself off the bed. It wasn't until he was standing in front of their dresser, loosening his tie that she spoke. "How did you teach Alexis about consent?"

He stopped, a faraway look in his eye as he thought. "I mean, I always told her that the only people who were allowed to see her without clothes were the doctor, her Mother, and me. And when she was in middle school, we had the sex talk, and we discussed how she should only ever do that stuff if she was totally in love and absolutely ready." The tie came off, leaving his shirt collar popped. "And I told her that if some boy ever pressured her to come find me, and I'd show him who's boss."

At the sight before her, and her usually docile husband's words, Kate laughed, closing the laptop and pushing it aside. Castle's eyes grew at her laughter, his arms crossing as a surly expression washed over his face. "I'm sorry, babe, the popped collar just made that look ridiculous." He shook his head, unbuttoning it as she continued. "But that was it, nothing while she was younger?"

"I mean, it was mostly just your basic body safety rules. Those were private parts, no one was allowed to see them, and if anyone tried to see them she was supposed to come yelling for help." He pulled on a Star Wars t-shirt, one Alexis had given him for father's day. It had a picture of Darth Vader on the front, with words claiming he was the number one Dad in the galaxy. It made Kate chuckle, her stomach flipping with joy. "Is this the thread that caught your attention?"

Kate nodded, pulling her ponytail down. "Yeah. There's so many articles about it. There was one about allowing kids not to hug people if they didn't want to, and one about the language they use to differentiate 'secrets' and 'surprises'. Plus, there's this huge push to make sure kids learn the word for their genitals so there is no mistaking anything if they need to talk to someone."

Now dressed in his pajamas, he crawled into bed with her, giving her his full attention. "I like that one about not hugging. I always hated giving my Gram a hug because she smelled all musty."

Kate's mind drifted to her uncle Fran, who always managed to give her the sloppiest kisses. "Right? But while it's beneficial to them at the time, because they get to stay comfortable, it also teaches them that they have complete control over their bodies, and gives them the confidence to say, 'no'."

His blue eyes twinkled as he broke into a grin. "Oh, I like this. What else?"

She laughed. "Well, one family had their body safety rules laminated and hung up, and they talked about it regularly. And they had other people on a body safety team, so if their kid felt like they couldn't go to Mom or Dad, they could go to someone else."

He snapped his fingers. "Like Alexis!"

"Or Ryan."

"And Hayley!"

"Exactly!" She grinned. "They'll have the entire police force behind them."

He rested his hands on her knees. "What else?"

She shrugged, thinking back on everything she'd read. "Someone said that he always asks before wiping his child after a diaper change, and then honors his child's request. Sometimes they want it, sometimes they don't. But I would worry about hygiene at that point."

Castle wrinkled his nose, mirroring her thoughts. "That's a bit too far for me. That could lead to infections. Health always comes first."

"That's what I thought too." She nodded in agreement. "But the article about not keeping secrets was interesting. Maybe I'll send it to you."

"I'd like that." His smile was genuine, the corners of his eyes wrinkling. "It's fun to see you like this, thinking like a parent." Kate fought to hold her chuckle back, the one that would give it all away. Whatever face she made must have worried him though, as he quickly backtracked on his words. "I don't mean to rush you into a decision, of course, I just thought it was nice."

She leaned into him, pressing her lips against his and trailing her hand over his cheek. When they pulled apart, she grinned, meeting his eye. "I know you weren't rushing me. You've been very good at following my lead." It was the understatement of the century. He'd brought it up a few months after they got married, deciding to let her choose if and when they had kids. And then he never mentioned it again. It was so unlike him, they way he was always pushing to hear her thoughts. But he'd been nothing but respectful of her wishes.

He moved to start pulling the blankets down from his side of the bed, and for a split second she saw a bassinet next to him, closeby so they could reach it if they had to. And she didn't want to keep her secret any longer. So she reached for him, her touch making him turn again toward her. His eyes squinted as they studied hers, his brows knitting together in concern. "But we may need to start planning out those body safety rules a little earlier than I anticipated."

His face flashed from confusion, to shock, and then to elation as he covered her abdomen with both of his hands. "You're serious?"

Kate laughed, placing her hands over his. "I've never been more serious."

He leaned his head down, whispering words to their child that were not meant for her. As he spoke, she ran her fingers through his hair, her imagination running free. She saw herself singing lullabies while Castle gazed at them from the doorway. She imagined yelping as their child yanked on her hair, her husband kissing the baby's neck to relax his grip. She saw a toddler walking, gripping onto Rick's hand to keep their balance. And she knew that all of these things that she saw now, Rick had been seeing for a long time.

Eventually she laid down, Rick's arms around her as he pulled her close, and whispered all the things he wanted to do with their child in her ear. This wasn't how she expected to tell him. But listening to him fantasize, and watching his eyes twinkle as they pictured together what the child would look like, well it made it all worth it.

* * *

_I'm not as confident about this one. But I thought it was a fun idea for a conversation that we'll never get to see. Again, it's been nine years. Nine years since I told my mother, and pulled myself out of that mess. And today, I'm celebrating, because I want to actually start taking responsibility for it. Did you know that even now, nine years later, I still credit my dead grandfather for everything? I think that I deserve to take the credit. He gave me the strength, but the words and the desire were all mine. I will spend my life making sure that he knows that his strength wasn't wasted. As always, thank you everyone for your support._


	4. Chapter 4

_A/N: Before you start, I just wanted to say that while sexual assault trigger warnings absolutely do still apply, this chapter also has mention of suicidal ideology._

* * *

Kate Beckett had never been the maternal type. While her friends couldn't wait to settle down and start families, she was always more focused on her career. Even before her mother died, her focus was on becoming the first female justice, not raising kids. Not that she didn't like kids. Sarah Grace was always her favorite precinct visitor, and she couldn't help the swell of pride when that little blonde girl looked up at her and called her "Auntie Kate." But she didn't know the first thing about kids. She didn't know how to talk to them, she couldn't relate to them, and felt awkward trying to play games with them. Ryan never let her live down how when playing catch with Sarah Grace for the first time, she used to throw the ball away from the toddler instead of towards her, more like fetch than catch. Kids just made her feel awkward.

All this changed once Lily was born. It surprised her how easily she rose to the role of Mother. The small human being resting on her chest was her pride and joy, and she never wanted to let the infant out of her sight. Ryan had laughed when she made him wash his hands before holding her for the third time. He held her close and rocked with her, as naturally as he had with his own babies, but Kate still told him twice to make sure he supported her head. Espo didn't like to take Lily, babies made him nervous. But he wasn't quiet about how much Kate had changed. He was, after all, a detective, and trained to pick up on the subtle changes in the people around him.

The only person not surprised, it seemed, was her husband. She caught him watching them from doorways, his smile soft and his eyes bright, afraid to burst their little bubble. He was always taking pictures of them too, he took pride in changing his wallpaper daily. The three of them settled into their new lives peacefully and without drama.

It was right before she returned to work that they started finalizing the decisions about Lily's body safety team. Relaxing in their bed, her with a baby on her chest and him with a laptop in his lap, they discussed what rules they wanted the body safety team to watch out for. The rules were the easy part, the team members were harder. "Why can't she have the entire NYPD behind her, Kate?"

She rolled her eyes, her hand rubbing soothing circles on her daughter's back. "As great as I think that is, what happens if they retire, or transfer? She might not be able to track someone down that she is comfortable with." She watched him relax at her explanation, his fingers twitching on the keys. "And God-forbid, someone in the NYPD hurts her, she might not know who to turn to."

He thought for awhile, weighing the options. "So maybe just the boys."

She considered that, her hand playing with the peach fuzz at the base of Lily's skull. "I trust them both with my life. But maybe we just ask Ryan and Jenny officially." At his puzzled look, she explained her train of thought. "They have kids. And I see us spending plenty of time with those kids. She'll be closer to them."

He nodded, typing their names at the bottom of the list of rules. "What do you think of Alexis?"

Kate nodded, trying not to shake too much. "Definitely. Siblings tell each other things." Her voice trailed off as she mulled over a few more options, the last member clear in her head. "What about Hayley? Having someone close to us, but also outside of the family unit could be beneficial."

He grinned, his fingers tapping away again. "I was thinking the same thing."

"I think we're good, then." Her free hand reached out to run up and down his spine, begging him to come cuddle with them. Instead, she watched as he saved the document and opened the browser. In the search bar, he typed three words. _Ordinary is extraordinary._ And soon, the screen was filled with a ghost.

It didn't happen often, but sometimes when they discussed the difficult subject of sexual assault, he would watch Jenna's video. She had asked him once why, and he told her that it made him feel like he wasn't alone. But more often now, it just made her feel guilty. They had never solved the murder of the girl who made him open up to her. Now, Kate's hand ran up and down her husband's back for a different reason. "How are you doing?"

He turned to look at them, his smile small and sad. "I'm okay." His hand reached out to stroke Lily's head. "I hope she'll never have to be as brave as Jenna was."

"Rick, she's going to be brave. She has you as a father." For the first time since he revealed everything to her, she saw his chest puff out with pride at her praise instead of him shrinking back. She tugged at his arm again, pulling him toward them. "Now come snuggle with us before she wakes up." He put his laptop on the nightstand, Jenna's words echoing in the room around them as he pulled his girls closer.

* * *

Kate's return to the precinct was met with more fanfare than she thought she deserved. Castle brought baby Lily, who was dressed in her NYPD onesie and tiny knit police cap. The boys had brought a cake, which was waiting for her on her empty desk. Castle grabbed her "Captain Beckett" nameplate and shoved it in the diaper bag, muttering something about newborn pictures next week. Lily made rounds in the office, first with Ryan, next with Lanie, and finally ending up in Esposito's arms while Ryan dug into the cake.

His body stiffened as he held the infant, his dark eyes wide with fear. Lanie laughed at his expense, her hands running along his shoulders to soften them. "Javi, relax! You are the last thing this angel wants to sleep on right now!" She took a deep breath in and out, which he copied, and moved her hands to his waist. "Good. Now shift your weight between your legs." He started rocking rapidly, his eyes growing wider with his awkward movements, making Kate choke on her cake. "Slower! And smoother, don't jerk yourself around!" Slowly but surely, with Lanie's guidance, he settled into a perfect rocking motion. With a reassuring squeeze of his shoulders, the ME laughed, her eyes bright as she muttered, "now it's your turn."

Espo shook his head violently, and tried to hand Lily back to Castle, as if just holding her would spark his baby fever. At first, her husband resisted, laughing at their friend's antics. But when Lily began to fuss, he couldn't have her in his arms fast enough. She watched him bounce with their daughter, his hand running over her head. His blue eyes met Kate's as he flashed an apologetic smile. "I think we should get out of here."

Kate leaned down to press a kiss to her daughter's head, then stood on her tiptoes to meet her husband's waiting lips. "I'll be home by seven."

He grinned, his eyes twinkling. "We'll be waiting." Kate just watched as he put Lily back in her car seat and placed that purple blanket around her, the vice in her stomach tightening as she was met with the reality of being away from her little bug. His tender smile as he cooed at the infant loosened it a bit, but only made her more determined to finish her day faster so she could spend her night with them.

With another kiss, and a wave to their friends, Castle left the precinct with their daughter in tow. Lanie followed him out, muttering something about bodies waiting for her in the morgue. This left Kate alone with her two detectives, who seemed to only be concerned with stuffing their faces with her welcome back cake. "Alright, boys, what have we got?"

Wiping his mouth with his sleeve, Ryan met her gaze. "Nothing. We even finished all our paperwork."

Kate raised an eyebrow in disbelief, looking at his partner. Espo shrugged, swallowing his mouthful of cake. "It's true. We wanted you to come back to a clean slate. We thought it would be better than trying to catch you up on everything."

"We haven't caught a murder in two days."

She sank down in her desk chair and cut herself a slice of cake, almost afraid to believe the news. "Don't jinx it." She allowed herself a bite before continuing. "As long as there's nothing to do, can I have you guys look at a cold case for me?"

Esposito dumped his paper plate in the trash and wiped his hands, ready to work. "Of course, Cap. Which one?"

The blonde's face on her husband's computer screen flashed in her mind. It was well past time to get that girl some justice. "Jenna Chapman, stabbing on the subway."

Ryan nodded in response, adding his trash to Esposito's. "The girl with the video. We'll pull the files." As she watched them leave, their game faces ready, she hoped that they would help her breathe new life into the case.

* * *

Later that afternoon, Kate met one of Jenna's friends, Mackenzie, at the daycare where she worked. The girl was tiny, her short hair in pigtails, but her smile was genuine. "I told you guys everything I knew. I just wish it had done anything."

Kate offered the woman a reassuring smile, her eyes glancing down to page that detailed what Mackenzie said the last time they talked. "I understand. We were hoping that now that some time has passed, you'll remember something new."

The woman shrugged, her eyes looking off to the distance. "I don't know. We had class together. We made plans to work on our project the next day. I had work, she had another class. And she mentioned something about dinner with our friend, Mayara. She wanted to talk."

Kate wrote the name down. The name had come up in the case before, but not from Mackenzie's original report. "Do you know what Mayara wanted to talk about?"

The young woman shook her head, her eyes brimming with tears. "No, but I always thought it had something to do with Jenna's video. Mayara always withdrew whenever the subject came up." With a sharp intake of breath, Mackenzie regained her composure. "Mayara's mother found her late that same night, talking about killing herself. It scared her enough to admit her. After that I lost contact." Before Kate could ask any more questions, there was a loud crash, followed by a wail. "Shoot." She looked in the room, finding her co-worker and shooting them an apologetic look. "Sorry, Taylor, I'm almost done." Turning to face the Captain, the young woman flashed a pleading look, her blue eyes wide and eyebrows knit together with concern. "It's right before nap time and the kids are getting rowdy. Do you need anything else?"

Kate circled Mayara's name and shook her head. "No, I'll be in touch if we need anything else. Thank you."

Ducking back into her classroom, the young woman offered some parting words. "Of course, anything to find the bastard that killed my best friend."

* * *

Back at the precinct, Kate looked through the old files for any information on Mayara. There wasn't much, just a notation that she was interviewed, but nothing stating what was said. She was the last person to text the victim, and potentially the last person to see Jenna alive. Kate dropped the forms on Esposito's desk, as well as Mayara's current address and a photo from her social media accounts. "Why don't we have anything on this witness?"

Espo's face softened as he looked at her picture. "We tried. Her mother allowed us access to the mental health ward. But Mayara fell apart at the mention of Jenna's name. She just cried, repeating, 'she's dead?' every time we asked a question. Her Doctor made us leave before we caused a massive breakdown."

"Why didn't we bring her in after she was released?" The accusing tone in her voice made her Detective flinch. It wasn't something she meant to do, but the last person to see the victim alive was always an important witness.

Despite her annoyance, Esposito remained calm as he answered. "The Subway Slayer started his spree around the same time. We liked him for Jenna's murder."

"But he didn't admit to hers."

Espo shook his head. "He didn't admit to a lot of cases"

Kaye flipped through the Chapman file, looking for the connection to the Subway Slayer. "We never charged him with Jenna's death.". They did that sometimes with serials. They would charge for the cases that were easier to prove, and leave the other suspected cases open, just in case better evidence showed up. "Why did this case fall through the cracks?"

At her former partner's exasperated sigh, she lifted her eyes from the file to meet his. "Beckett, you know this happens. More pressing murders come up, other cases happen, and we lose some battles. Why is this case so important to you?"

Her mind flashed to the blonde girl in the video, the girl who was brave enough to post the most awful thing that happened to her on the internet for all to see, the girl who deserved justice more than anything. "It hits close to home." It was all she would say, and she prayed that Espo would think it had more to do with Jenna's cause of death rather than letting his mind wander to other possibilities. "Can we bring in Mayara, please?"

"Ryan and I will go get her now."

* * *

It took another three hours, but soon Kate was watching the nervous girl through the one-way mirror. She flinched at the slightest noise, and twirled her long dark hair around her finger as she waited. The door opening beside Kate made her pull her eyes from the girl and focus on Ryan instead. "Mayara Vasquez, committed to a mental health ward the same day Jenna was murdered. Intake documents say she was admitted around 2am, four hours after Chapman was murdered."

Kate's eyebrows raised as she looked at the paperwork. "That's a large chunk of time unaccounted for. And a serial murderer made us overlook it."

Ryan shrugged and offered her a reassuring smile, placing the file on the table beside them. "It happens, Captain. You should know that better than anyone."

Kate ignored him and grabbed the file, quickly going over it, looking for anything she could use. "Well, this ends today."

Without warning her former partner, she entered the interrogation room, and sat at the table across from the suspect. "Miss Vasquez, thank you for joining us here today. I wanted to ask you some questions about your friend, Jenna Chapman." At the victim's name, Mayara stiffened, her hands falling to her lap. "Can you tell me what your relationship was with Jenna?"

The younger woman took a deep breath before answering. "Jenna was one of my closest friends. I miss her every day. We had classes together, and liked the same tv shows and activities. And she had this strength to her that was awe inspiring to everyone around her."

Hearing Mayara talk about Jenna caused Kate's heart to crack. It was everything they had ever heard about the victim. "It sounds like you admired her."

Mayara smiled, but her dark eyes filled with tears as she thought of her late friend. "I did. So much. I only dreamed of being as strong as her."

"Can you tell me what you two were talking about over dinner on the night of her death?"

This caused the woman to shrink in her chair, her smile disappearing. "I'd rather not."

Kate met Mayara's eyes, and folded her hands on the table. She made her voice softer, more inviting, and hoped it would make the girl open up. "Not talking about it is only going to make you look more guilty. Did you two fight?"

Mayara bit her bottom lip, like she was holding something back. "Yes."

"About what?"

"About how she had turned into a super-activist or something! She was always pressuring people to tell their stories, even if they weren't ready so she could publish them on her stupid blog! And I didn't want to tell anyone about…" She cut herself off and wiped away a tear, controlling her emotions with a quick intake of breath. But Kate knew that look in her eyes far too well, and her heart broke as the pieces started to fit together. "Yes, we fought."

Kate dropped her shoulders and relaxed her stance, her voice getting even softer. "Mayara, were you assaulted by someone?" The girl's lip quivered as she looked down and away, refusing to meet the Captain's eye. "Did Jenna know you were a survivor?"

Mayara's voice was almost a whisper. "Yes." She swallowed her tears before continuing. "She knew I was a survivor, and she knew the perpetrator. She was pressuring me to go to the police."

"And what did you say to that?"

"I told her I couldn't. I couldn't go anywhere near the police."

Kate had learned years ago not to let statements like that get to her. So she pressed on, her tone still gentle. "And why is that?"

Looking up, Mayara struggled with her answer, her shoulders tense. But when she blurted it out, it was like her whole body relaxed. "I'm undocumented. What if I get deported?" She looked at the Captain with worry in her eyes. "Are you going to call Immigration?"

Kate shook her head. "I'm Homicide. I don't care about your legal status."

With those words, Mayara relaxed, and leaned back in her chair. "It's not just my legal status. The man who assaulted me was my ex. I've consented before. It makes everything more confusing."

Before she could process it, Kate found herself saying one of those things she had learned from her Facebook support group. "Just because you said 'yes' in the past doesn't mean he has a free pass in the future."

Mayara gave a cynical chuckle at that, her eyes rolling at the supportive words. "You see, I know that, you know that, and Jenna knew that. But not everybody thinks like that."

"I'm sorry." Kate let that hang between them before asking another question. "How did dinner end?"

Dimples appeared in Mayara's chin as she chewed on her cheek. "Not good. She announced that she was going to the police anyway. She had my name and his name, she could still make a report." The girl's breathing became heavier as she recounted that night. "I chased her through the streets, begging her to turn around. I would have chased her right up to the precinct door, and she knew that. In the Subway station she finally relented and turned around to face me. 'He has to pay,' she told me" Mayara was letting the tears fall freely now, but it was like the floodgates were open. "She told me that I might not get deported. But when I asked her to guarantee it she couldn't. But she kept going on and on about stopping him from hurting other girls, and it was something that had to be done. She wasn't listening." Mayara's face was red, and she hid it in her hands for the next part, her words almost unrecognizable through her sobs. "So I pulled out the knife I used to carry for protection, and the next thing I knew, it was stuck in her side. I just needed her to listen."

It wasn't exactly where Kate expected the conversation to go, not when it started on such a promising note. So she choked out, "You know you are entitled to a lawyer."

The girl shook her head, lowering her hands from her face but still refusing to look the captain in the eye. "I don't want one. I need to take responsibility for my actions. I didn't mean to kill her. I even convinced myself that it was all a dream, a side effect of the medication I was on in the institution. The longer I went without being caught, the more I was able to convince myself." When her eyes finally met Kate's, they were bloodshot and expressive, not cold blooded like Kate had been expecting. "I killed my best friend. I deserve to be punished."

Beckett left her with a pad and pen, to write out and sign a confession. Ryan and Esposito were waiting for her outside the door, concern etched into their features. No one felt good about this win. Brushing her hair behind her ears, Kate addressed them both. "I think you guys can handle the booking and paperwork. I need to go home to see my family."

Esposito took the file from her hands. "Of course. It's been a wild first day."

"Go home and relax, we've got this." Ryan added, his hand squeezing her shoulder.

"Thanks." In her office, she grabbed her jacket and phone, sending a quick text to Castle before rushing to the elevator.

* * *

At home, Lily was crying from the office. Kate followed the sound to find her husband pacing in a circle, rocking their daughter back and forth. He breathed out a sigh of relief at the sight of his wife, holding the crying infant out to her. "I think she misses you." It was like magic, how quickly Lily calmed down once placed in Kate's arms. She settled into a natural rocking motion, pressing soft kisses into her daughter's dark hair. And as Rick wrapped his arms around her, rocking with her, she relaxed for the first time since leaving the precinct. She leaned into the press of his lips at her temple and melted into the broad expanse of his chest. "You're home earlier than we expected. Crazy day?"

Before launching into her tale, she made them sit on the couch. "We solved Jenna's murder." And she launched into it all, how Mackenzie led them back to Mayara, and how guilty Mayara felt. They talked about how Mayara's crime led her to a mental breakdown. They talked about the lack of support for people who are not citizens, and those stupid stereotypes that make reporting acquaintance rape difficult. And she talked about how solving the crime didn't leave her with the satisfying feeling that she was hoping it would. "I think it has to do with the fact that Mayara was so relatable to me. She was a fighter in pain, just like you. She was just afraid that everything in her life would change. And also the realization that Jenna wasn't perfect. She was flawed. She meant well, but she went about it the wrong way."

Her husband ran his hands up and down her arms, giving her a reassuring squeeze. "That's a hard pill to swallow." She groaned in agreement, her hands rubbing soothing circles on Lily's back. And they sat like that for a few moments in silence, letting the day's events swirl around in their heads.

He waited a bit before breaking that silence, his hands stilling. "Have you ever told the boys about me?"

Her brows furrowed as she tried her best to turn and look him in the eye. "Why would you think I did?"

He shrugged, moving her body with him. "They were your partners, you guys know everything about one another."

Moving her hand from Lily's back, she found one of his and grabbed it, squeezing tight. "It's not my story to tell." She waited for him to speak, but when nothing came, she continued. "From what I understand, having control of that narrative is important for your healing. I wouldn't want to take that away from you."

At that, he kissed the side of her head, and muttered, "I love you," into her ear. When their daughter started fussing, Kate moved from the warmth of his embrace to change her. As she walked away, he called out from behind, "Now that the case is solved, I can share the video, right?"

Kate turned, meeting his eye. "You can do whatever you'd like with Jenna's video."

She saw it the next morning, on her newsfeed. She couldn't help but think that she had never been more proud of the man that she married.

_I never thought I would be so shaken by a crime scene in my life, but the murder of Jenna Chapman proved me wrong. She had this video (link below) that struck me to my core. It struck me because for the first time in ages, I felt like I wasn't alone. Now, I'm not here today to tell you my story. Instead, I'm here to share Jenna's, and her message. My story will come later. I share hers in hope that it will inspire others to share theirs. We can't make a difference if we don't talk about it, and we survivors have nothing to be ashamed of. Fly high, Jenna. You will be in our spirits, always._

* * *

_A/N 2: It's April again, which means another update. I decided to solve my own demise this time. I would like to stress, I do not believe that undocumented citizens are evil, or that they are violent. But being undocumented is one of many reasons that survivors won't come forward, a fear of deportation. Because that fit my narrative, I used it, please don't think I am racist or anything, I wasn't trying to appear that way. Okay. Jenna's video was based off my own. www DOT youtube DOT com SLASH watch?v=5fz8t8mrDe4 There is also a facebook page, facebook DOT com SLASH ordinaryisextraordinary. Please feel free to share any and all of this information. I hope this update lives up to everyone's expectations._


End file.
